Let’s do a psychological exercise. Imagine a society in which love is not singular. All the love stories we’ve been exposed to, all the movies and plays. The endless songs and the ballads of the one true and only. Put your mind in a place where the lot of it is discarded, and what is left is the raw nature of human interaction and relationships; similar to the native peoples untouched by modernity’s heavy hand.
What does this look like? We can start by considering the contrast. Our current societal state promotes and expects monogamy, the practice of finding a sole sexual and romantic partner in which you spend an extended time (a lifetime is encouraged) making a “home” together, excluding other people from the inner circle in which you both create. Any deviation is considered a great crime, one that is the ultimate in betrayal of trust, and often concludes itself by the ending of the primary couple in an often turbulent way. Our culture promotes the virtues of this lifestyle, and casts those who reject it as outcasts as best and with disgust at worst.
However, statistics are subjective to the matter, and telling of a wrong that has permeated our psyche. According to an article by the Institute for Family Studies from data gathered by the General Social Survey, 16% of respondents reported cheating on their spouse. And of course, that is those who admitted to it and participated in the study. It doesn’t take much to imagine the number is higher. We all know someone who has been impacted by marital infidelity. The rate of divorce from affair isn’t well documented, but often is the result of a transgression. Families are broken up. Once best friends and lovers turn to enemies and children are left in the crossfire. Murders have occurred in jealous rages. Women have been stoned, burned, imprisoned, and exiled throughout history.
And here lies the term I coined, the “mallet of monogamy” and why I believe the practice as a whole to be one of humanity’s biggest mistakes, and perhaps it’s greatest crime. The numbers haven’t been documented. But the stories have. People have been killed. Children left without parents. The sheer emotional anguish of those felt wronged by a long term partner, the ending of a relationship, the questioning of one’s self worth. The guilt felt by the adulterer, and the tragedy of keeping secrets that are deemed vile by the greater society. The loss of potential life-time connections due to being “taken” and unavailable. I could think of more, and I encourage readers to do the same.
What is an alternative? Can we become a people that allows ourselves to live according to the desires we all experience? Can we seek the connections that beckons in moments of vulnerability and transcendence? Can we ignore the cultural pressure to disengage and instead, celebrate interaction fitting to our nature?
Yes. We can, and so long as we chose to, others will follow. Social revolution is slow and unnoticed, until the momentum is large enough that we begin to question. We can foster a society that while looking forward, also examines the past. Primitive people did not practice exclusive love for the most part, and future people will do the same, I predict. This period of monogamy had a good run, as did many social institutions that evolved or ended based on the greater good for our kind.
There are millions of people who practice consensual non-monogamy. The number is growing among the youth, and the relationships it fosters are just as successful (if not more) as monogamous counterparts, according to research done by Dr. Jessica Wood, a research associate at York University and the University of Guelph. Communication is vitally important in such arrangements, but once a couple can discuss and agree on how to manage logistics, it can bring a satisfaction and trust that is truly beautiful. Of course, no idea is fitting for every person and every couple. There has been, and will always be, those who find monogamy the best status for their relationships. However, I hope for a culture that allows other forms to take root, flourish, and be accepted.
We live in an isolated time and epidemics of loneliness and depression are widespread and concerning. The island family unit is an unnatural existence, and we often make up for it by spending time at bars, events, or other social gatherings to fill that hole. It is vital to our emotional health that we begin to encourage friendships and loving partnerships with others. We need other people, and the arms-length interaction we typically engage in is not enough. In times of need, in times of joy, we are wired to share the experiences and have a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. It is far too much for a single person to bear, and the benefits of having deep emotional friendships is immense.
There are many, many resources to learn more about non-monogamy. I’ll list them here and I encourage everyone to explore the topic further.
In the words of Christopher McCandless, “happiness only real when shared”
A Noiseless Patient Spider
BY WALT WHITMAN
A noiseless patient spider,
I mark’d where on a little promontory it stood isolated,
Mark’d how to explore the vacant vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself,
Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.
And you O my soul where you stand,
Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,
Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold,
Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.
Sources and more information:
https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america
Sex at Dawn: by Cacilda Jethá and Christopher Ryan
The Ethical Slut: by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
Also look up the podcast 1A on The New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory On The Rise
Hiraeth Examined 